Eagles Front Man Challenges Trump in GOP Primary, Tops Monday Briefing

By: - August 26, 2019

It’s Monday and next weekend is Labor Day. So we both know you’re going to phone it in at work this week. Going somewhere special to end the summer? I’ll be drinking dockside with my cigar-infused middle-aged brethren. But before that, I’m duty bound to write this. That’s why…

This is Monday Briefing:

  • Former Eagles guitarist Joe Walsh surprisingly announced he is running for president, going after Trump in the GOP primaries. Walsh said Sunday…wait…what? It’s not that Joe Walsh? It’s some obscure House one- termer/radio jock who dislikes Trump because the president “is rude”? No way. Really? Hell, I might have considered the guy who was in the James Gang and played those amazing riffs on “Hotel California.” But, this d-bag? Not quite. Why? One, appropriate rudeness is a sterling quality in a chief executive. Two, he, along with the depressing Bill Weld, have not a chance in hell. Though they will get a lot of positive press so the media can bash Trump through them. One or the other will get 10-20 percent in Iowa and/or New Hampshire if they’re still in the race. The hive will call it an Earth-shaking upset and go bananas, predicting Trump’s imminent LBJ-like downfall. As usual, they will be wrong. As for Walsh, his crawling to Canossa in front of George Stephanopoulos yesterday and this whole exercise is for increased exposure, thus an increased radio audience (maybe), and the sad little hope the Dems will throw him a table scrap if they win. Bloody pathetic.
  • Joe Biden brought up the hypothetical demise of the disgraced 44th president on the campaign trail. He forgot that his absent pal and prior regime mate is in the protected class of failed Dem far-left pols. Thus, the media and other Dems went mad at the very suggestion of Barry’s mortality. Given Joe’s naturally befuddled state, who knows if he really meant 44 or not. For all we know he may have very well been referring to some other communist or Baath Party member.
  • Bernie Sanders stumped against Mitch McConnell in Kentucky over the weekend. Factoring in the snapping turtle’s wily tactics, the check to Bernie 2020 is likely already in the mail.
  • Treasury Secretary and garden gnome impersonator Steve Mnuchin said people should take the president “very literally” when he speaks. We hope he was not specifically referring to the president’s “I am the chosen one” line. I mean, we like Trump and all. But we prefer our messiahs to be credibly Jewish, not just from New York.
  • Hezbollah “vowed” to shoot down Israeli drones and blah, blah, blah after the plucky IAF last week ran rampant over Lebanon and Syria, putting a serious hurting on all manner of terrorists and terrorist bases. But the “vow”? Ooooo, the Israelis must be shaking in their kippahs. Pretty much like they were the morning of June 5, 1967. Yeah, uh-huh.
  • Boris Johnson is playing a shrewd balancing game at the G7. He’s making nice with Trump while tactfully pointing out his differences with the U.S. leader for British domestic consumption. He also smiles for the EU players there like Macron, while giving them glimpses of the steel gauntlet that once held sway at Agincourt. Smart lad, Boris, and proper prime minister. For as Churchill reportedly said, “The wogs start at Calais.”
  • And finally, a thousand-year-old Church of England parish in Braunston-in-Rutland has been recently plagued by over 500 hundred bats. All Saints Church tried everything to get the pesky airborne nuisances and their copious droppings to stop interrupting languid Sunday services, to no avail. Even local Member of Parliament Alan Duncan found the situation “absolutely intolerable.” We find this puzzling. As the banal Church of England and their lame limo leftist American counterparts have been hemorrhaging adherents for decades, you’d think they’d be grateful anybody at all, including flying rodents, was actually showing up. Have a good week.