Trio of States Undercut Trump GOP Challengers, Tops Monday Briefing

By: - September 9, 2019

As the summer wanes our thoughts turn back to the real world. So, let’s get cracking, as…

This is Monday Briefing:

  • The GOP in Kansas, Nevada, and South Carolina have cast their lot with the president and cancelled their presidential primary contests. All of their nomination support will go to Trump. That’s bad news for has-been Bill Weld, radio jock Joe Walsh, and affair bungler Mark Sanford who say they will challenge the incumbent for the Republican nomination. Their most pressing problems with the president? He’s “mean” and “upsetting.” Well, I certainly hope he is just that to the right people. To those of us who haven’t lost our spines, or aren’t looking to cash in on temporary apostasy, he is doing fine. In fact, his rating in the party is at 88 percent. It is sad but not surprising to see what some people will do for their fifteen extra minutes of C-celebrity fame.
  • Leprosy and typhus are only two of the Dark Age diseases that are making a comeback in today’s California. In the streets and back alleys of the horrid merdehole of a state, denizens of urban blight sicken and wither while, not too far away in the temples of statist government, jaded public servants dine well and to their fill. This is normal and encouraged in that locale. Thus, it is a land, and more importantly a polity, that is no longer fit to be in the company of the rest of the United States.
  • Girly former 007 Pierce Brosnan is agitating for a female Bond. With his poofy hair, effete demeanor, and pretty boy swish, didn’t he already fulfill his own desire? And anyway, like the all-female “Ghostbuster” remake and other PC rewrites, they will sacrifice their fan base to please the Bolshie set merely to find financial disappointment and laughing stock reviews. It is rumored the process of transgendering Bond begins in the next film and final Daniel Craig installment. Another reason amongst myriad others to bring back Derek Flint.
  • 2019 is the new 1937, as amateur royal the Duchess of Sussex is mucking up House of Windsor public relations so badly that the Wallace Simpson comparisons are now coming fast and furious. Soon the couple will no doubt be visiting Venezuela and hailing their economy.
  • Beto O’Rourke wants to overturn the Second Amendment by requiring an American who wants to own a firearm to get a federal license for it. But if you already own an “assault weapon” (basically, any rifle)? He wants to buy it back from you regardless of your wishes on the matter. Oh, would luuuv to see the wee lad try that in Texas, Idaho, Alaska, Bama, etc.
  • Ex-Tory members (PM Boris Johnson threw them out of the party) of the British parliament who sold out their own prime minister said their move was motivated by personal integrity and duty to nation. It now emerges that these traitors had talks with the anti-Brexit opposition party before they jumped ship on a Brexit vote. This was to ensure the craven cowards would get a free pass, in exchange for their disloyalty, from the opposition in the next election. Putting their own seats in parliament before the fate of their country. Gee, what selfless honor.
  • Mick Jagger has come out against President Trump because of the chief executive’s alleged “rudeness.” That will really hurt Trump with the elderly bisexual heroin-ravaged senile rock star vote.
  • And finally, in an incident Saturday night that defines Manhattan’s place in the firmament of high culture, a man in an Elmo costume groped a fourteen-year-old tourist in Times Square. The offending red beast, who was taking a picture with the tourist and her parents at the time of the inappropriate fondle, was heard to exclaim as he was being taken away by police, “Do not take Elmo to jail! Elmo only practicing alternative lifestyle!” Have a good week.