I was fortunate enough in several ways to receive tickets to the advanced screening of the new Spider-Man movie. I got to see the movie early and for free, which wins me the coolest parent award for the month, but I also got to miss the first Democratic debate. After digesting the news I’m confident I didn’t miss much, but since I had a great Marvel night I thought we might benefit from seeing how the Democratic candidates would fit into the Marvel Universe. (And if you’re worried about spoilers, you should have seen it by now.)
Clueless Teacher- Joe Biden: A good deal of the comedy came from the teachers that believed in science yet blamed the attacks on witches, complained that their wife pretended to be snapped away by Thanos only to run off and have an affair, and are generally clueless in chaperoning their kids on vacation. Despite several near-death experiences, Spider-Man and MJ calmly walk out of the hotel for an awkwardly romantic stroll. Joe Biden should be displaying his leadership and political chops after being vice president for eight years, but he makes silly gaffes like plagiarizing material in his already superficial climate change policy position, and he seems unable to defend his record. He mostly just seems old and clueless which is likely how these high school students viewed their teachers.
Lame YouTube Video- Elizabeth Warren: Spider-Man starts out with a YouTube tribute to the fallen Avengers from Endgame. Peter Parker’s high school news then explained what happened with half of the planet being snapped away by Thanos and then snapped back by the Avengers. Elizabeth Warren started her campaign with a video about her fake Native American ancestry where she revealed (drum roll please) that she has as much Native American DNA as a random sample from a random white person in this country. She has since recovered in the polls through heavy campaigning and having lots of detailed policy plans. But it was still a giggle-inducing beginning; nor do her plans hold up to scrutiny. That’s okay in the Marvel Universe where you shouldn’t get too hung up on physics and science when you’re watching a talking raccoon fight a giant blue guy with a bedazzled glove, but it matters much more when you are deciding who is president.
Social Media Obsessed- AOC and Honorable Mention Robert (Beto) O’Rourke: She wasn’t in the debates but she is often one of the most radical members of Congress. She is one of the most vocal members of Congress and her social media use as frequent as it is annoying. There is a running joke throughout the movie as one of Peter Parker’s classmates is always on their phone, live-streaming their location and even offering commentary on the occasional monster attack. AOC is the one that live-streams her dinners and apparently is quite popular for being “authentic.” Though like the character in the movie, she just looks rather vain and annoying. Robert O’Rourke gets an honorable mention because he actually live-streamed his dental appointment and seems just as lost and clueless on the debate stage.
The Screaming People- All the Other Candidates: There are so many candidates in this field I would spend all my time just looking them up. But they are there making noise and trying to say something that will break through the field, get some airtime, and resonate with voters. So they are the anonymous crowds that run screaming from whatever CGI monster attack is unleashed on them. They don’t register with viewers and they are pretty interchangeable, but they are there so the famous heroes can look important.
So those are the clueless, media-obsessed, screaming candidates whose ideas can’t withstand scrutiny. Where are the Avengers when you need them?
