Speaker of the National Herpetarium Nancy Pelosi told the president several days ago not to address Congress for the annual State of the Union (SOTU) speech because she can’t guarantee his security. DHS and Secret Service say there is no problem and they can fulfill their mission as usual. The president then issued the hilarious cancellation of her overseas junket as the assorted junketeers were on the bus on the way to Andrews AFB.
Score that point for him.
However, what and who Pelosi really doesn’t want to see at the SOTU is what the more radical members of her caucus like AOC would do when presented with a widest yet audience for their childish mayhem. As she so eloquently recently compared her legislative agenda to transportation-themed group sex, AOC and her coven could provide much unintentional amusement to us, and much embarrassment to Nancy if given the opportunity.
Maybe an obscene chant? An inane diatribe? I’m personally hoping for a frenzied keening, reminiscent of that great parade scene in “Patton,” to light up the faces of viewers nationwide.
To disappoint us there, but to engage in the spirit of kiss-my-ass bipartisanship, why not take the Speaker up on her offer? Call her bluff and tell her the president plans to start what he hopes to be a tradition. He’ll be taking the SOTU out to be heard in person by the actual Union. The traditional dog and pony show audience of DC players, generals, and narcoleptic SCOTUS justices are to be replaced by, perish the thought, an audience of average people who will be more affected by the proposals contained in the speech than will Washington sinecurists.
Where and how? Glad you asked.
On the Texas-Mexico Border: Something I mentioned in a recent piece as the topic is a hot one, let’s use audio visual aids for this SOTU. Cut down the length considerably, thirty minutes should do. Erect MAGA rally-like bleachers for the local folks, and any friendly DC types, who want to attend. As this is a non-Capitol Hill event not hosted by the House, the guest list can be controlled. Yeah, most of the media might bypass it. But, throw out a couple of lures of “a major policy announcement” on one of their pet stories like Mueller, healthcare, the Norks, etc., and they will show. You then blabber one or two medium-impact proposals to cover yourself when quite legitimately accused of a bait and switch, all the while hammering in that the president, not the Dems, have a deal on the table.
Make sure to give out many tickets to Border Patrol agents and their families. In the audience, also have surviving families of those murdered by illegal aliens. If you can find experienced professional Hollywood types that will produce the show, think “Wag the Dog,” hire them. If even on the down low.
No suit and tie. Presidential bomber jacket, or better yet, Border Patrol jacket, should get the point across. And for God’s sake, remembering the recent teleprompter debacle, give him a script but let him wing it when the whim strikes. Make it a MAGA rally in everything but name.
If it works it’ll drive Nancy and her hosts of political weebles mad with rage and possibly pressure them into trying their own theatrics. Which, if their creepy single podium act was any indication, will fall flat into unintentional mirth. Ah, sweet, sweet schadenfreude.
Saturday afternoon’s offer of compromise by the president, though possibly seen as mature and reasonable by many, very well may be seen as weakness by the Dems. Maybe even seen as blood in the water. Why compromise if you have a winning hand, they may think. This is especially true given the tremendous pressure to hold fast Pelosi must be getting from her hardline factions. All the more reason to box her in by appealing over her head to the people closer to home at…
A Friendly U.S. State Legislature: Let’s find one of those cool states where they spray for Democrats. Places like Wyoming, Idaho, or the Dakotas. If we can get one in a swing state that currently has a GOP majority in both the State House and Senate, so much the better. I think the Speaker of the NC House has already offered. Employ some of the gimmicks above, and invite a nice sprinkling of celebs from sports. Use talking points per moving the discussion out of DC, the record of corrupt inefficiency there, and the pigs at the trough atmosphere of the nation’s capitol to extol the obvious virtue of taking the show on the road.
Not in the U.S. Senate: Some well-meaning GOP Senators have invited the president there if the House won’t have him. Nah. Ruins the anti-Washington message. Plus Senate Dems will boycott and the cameras will focus on the empty seats.
When they asked famed bank robber Willie Sutton why he robbed banks, he responded, “That’s where the money is.” Well, solid GOP support will not be found in the environs of Washington, D.C., its suburbs, or its denizens. Go to where the votes are. That’s why it might be a good thing to wonder if the SOTU should remain given in front of a joint session of Congress even if Pelosi relents.
Military Base: Find a post in a red state. Fort Riley in Kansas (my former posting), Fort Sill in Oklahoma, or Eglin AFB in Florida could work. Give the kids in uniform the day off to attend. Order all drinks at the Enlisted Clubs half price for the day, open the bar at 6 p.m., and start the program at 8 p.m. Begin the shindig with a couple of country music acts, enough B celebrities to fill a “Love Boat” episode, and add an NFL cheerleading squad to get the lads in the right spirit. As the president often does already, use the theme from “Air Force One” as a lead-in to his entrance on stage. Deploy many of the aforementioned moves, especially presidential casual attire and selective invitations.
My favorite option, though it may require a bit of finagling…Throw the thing at a Schick Factory: Yes, do it in response to the current Wusses R’ Us Gillette broadcast and social media ad. It would be a beautiful shot in the culture war and bound to create tremendous buzz. Drop a couple of teaser press releases before you announce the venue. Make it an outdoor event, early evening would be optimum.
Will Schick want to position themselves as partisan as that? Convince them that Gillette is already going after the low-testosterone and thus likely lighter beard/infrequent shaving market with its love letter to effeminate men. Ergo, Democrats. The bigger market of regular shavers is there for the taking. Tell them this is not about politics. It’s about market share. It seems their competitor Barbasol might be already thinking that way.
If you have to fly me in to make the pitch, okay. I’ll do it for my usual fee, Rolling Stones circa 1967 dressing room perks, and a never-ending open tab at Shelly’s Backroom.
And this won’t be an ordinary rally or speech. Oh no. It’ll be designed to do one thing and one thing only: To give the House Democratic Caucus a drool bucket-wearing nervous breakdown.
It’ll be like a revivified Dean Martin Presents the Golddiggers replete with bar, silent majority humor, and comely go-go dancers in cages. Okay, the cages are negotiable. Try to get Matthew Weiner or David Chase to produce it, as they have a real feel for the era and cultural ethos. If they’re too Bolshie, try Stone and Parker, who have a superlative track record arranging psych ward stays for the Frankfurt School set. Have Schick factory workers join the president on stage at one point for a feast of Philly (swing state) cheesesteaks, flown in from Tony Luke’s, and ice-cold cans of Bud.
Lace the concise SOTU with dog whistles like “real American families”, “San Francisco values”, and make a reference to the rough beards of female Democrats. Make sure to have defibrillators standing by for the media.
At the close bring on Melania for a Bob Hope USO Tour babe cameo and very slowly lower the curtain to a lachrymose audience sing-along to “God Bless the USA.” As the last few lyrics of the song ring out, cue the red, white, and blue contrail-streaming F-22 squadron flyover. The following day, you can visit the Dems at the St. Elizabeths ICU.
Next year? I’m thinking Live From Caesars Palace! It’s the State of the Union!
Or, something at least that low key.
