3
By Jennifer Meyer
Empathy is quickly becoming a buzzword in the business world and moving farther into mainstream vernacular. But like so many ideas, it can be misunderstood and not employed correctly. So, what is empathy really? And why does it matter now more than ever?
Empathy is actually humanity’s superpower. So understanding what it is, why it matters, and how to practice it well isn’t about being “nice.” It’s about strategy and empowerment.
This isn’t fluff. It’s neuroscience. When done right, empathy takes teams from walking to flying — and organizations from surviving to thriving.
What Empathy Really Is
No matter what old-school thinking says, humans are emotionally wired beings. Our biology doesn’t shut off at the office door. That means empathy isn’t soft — it’s biochemical. It’s wired into our neurology.
Practiced intentionally, empathy boosts collaboration, improves decision-making, reduces turnover, and fuels innovation. Importantly, it doesn’t mean opening the floodgates to emotionally inappropriate behavior at work. It does mean leading with emotional intelligence and intention.
The common definition of empathy is “understanding someone else’s emotional experience.” We’ve all heard things like “walk in someone else’s shoes” or “treat others how you want to be treated.”
Nice ideas — but if your knowledge of empathy doesn’t include nuance, it’s flawed.
Let’s start with the Golden Rule. “Treat others how you want to be treated,” which sounds perfect on paper. If we don’t think through that idea though we miss the assumption underneath. It assumes we all want the same things. That’s what makes you feel respected, also works for me. But that’s rarely true, especially across different cultures, teams, or personalities.
In 1979, Milton Bennett coined the phrase, the Platinum Rule — Treat others how they want to be treated.
Go figure: meet people where they are, not where you are. That’s empathy in motion.
Let’s also ditch the idea that you can “walk in someone else’s shoes.” You can’t. Not because you lack compassion — but because it’s neurologically impossible. Even if we have similar experiences, your perspective will never be exactly like mine.
Empathy isn’t about perfectly understanding someone’s situation. It’s about believing them anyway.
If I say I’m hot and you’re freezing, empathy believes me. You don’t have to feel it to accept that it’s true for me. So, a better definition of empathy is believing someone’s emotional experience without proof or understanding (thank you, Brené).
Why Empathy Works: The Science of Connection
Our brains are built for social interaction, millions of years in the making. To thrive in groups, humans evolved systems that help us read emotion, repair conflict, and stay connected.
When we witness someone else’s emotions, our brains activate areas like the anterior insula and mirror neuron system — the same systems involved in processing pain, reward, and social cues.
Empathy also increases oxytocin, a neurochemical that builds trust and bonding.
So when leaders create environments of psychological safety, the brain perceives connection as a reward — not a risk. And that unlocks engagement, creativity, and innovation because your nervous system isn’t scanning for threat; you are in what is known as rest and digest mode or the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS). All life, from the smallest single-celled organism to us, responds to environments that are “safe” and those that aren’t. When an organism’s nervous system feels safe, it engages in thriving activities: eating, sleeping, growth (like literally cellular division), and reproduction. When an organism’s nervous system perceives a threat, it shuts down those parts and moves firmly into survival mode; fight, flight, freeze, or fawning. I want to be super clear — this isn’t just human behavior — it’s biological law. Even plants respond to threats in their environment. Flowers close to protect themselves from harsh conditions. Safety isn’t soft. It’s the foundation of life.
So, of course, these systems stay active at work. While a flower may close because the temperature isn’t ideal for it, human beings close when they don’t feel a sense of belonging, appreciation, and safety within a group. Which is why empathy, the practice of helping people feel safe in a group, is a business tool — one that works with our biology, not against it.
What Empathy Looks Like at Work
So how do we lead with empathy — without becoming doormats or emotional sponges?
Let’s start with five key practices:
1. Own your regulation.
You can’t support others if you’re dysregulated yourself. As a leader — whether by title or by energy — it’s your responsibility to manage your emotional state so you don’t bring volatility into the room.
● Rough morning with your kid? Take a breath before stepping into the meeting.
● Get a frustrating email from your boss? Take a lap before responding.
Emotional leadership isn’t martyrdom — it’s modeling. Show your team what it looks like to reset and respond with intention.
2. Get curious.
Ask deeper questions:
● What motivates them?
● What are their values?
● What helps them feel appreciated at work?
When you know what matters to your people, you can support them in ways that actually land and help them feel important to you and the mission of the organization, because they are important.
3. Validate, then lead.
People need to feel seen before they can shift gears. That’s true in families, in classrooms, and 100% true at work.
Example:
A team member says, “I’m really overwhelmed — I don’t think I can hit this deadline.”
Old-school reply?
“Well, we all have deadlines.”
Empathetic response?
“Thanks for being honest. Sounds like you’re carrying a lot. Let’s look at your workload and see what can shift so you can be successful.”
Validation first. Then problem-solving.
You’re not coddling — you’re collaborating.
4. Model appropriate vulnerability.
When something sucks — say so. Not with a rant, but with honesty.
When you mess up — own it. And share what you’re doing to make it better.
Integrity builds trust faster than perfection ever could.
5. Be consistent.
Follow through on what you say.
Stay calm when you’re frustrated.
Address conflict directly and fairly.
When team members know what to expect from you, they feel safer showing up fully.
Empathy ≠ Over-Accommodation
Let’s be clear: empathy is not approval. It’s not saying yes to everything. It’s not rescuing people from discomfort.
It’s seeing them clearly and responding with both care and clarity.
Example:
You have a team member who regularly misses deadlines due to personal issues.
You can say:
“I hear that you’re under a lot of stress. I also need to make sure our commitments are met. Let’s talk about how to support you and maintain accountability moving forward.”
You’re not ignoring their challenges. But you’re also not lowering the bar. That’s empathy with boundaries, and it’s what makes empathy different from indulgence or appeasement.
Those boundaries and standards are critical because they hold others to their responsibilities. If we allow a member of the team to hug the edge or test how far they can go outside the lines, it will erode safety for the rest of the team. Sometimes empathy means redirecting behavior for the health of the whole. Psychological safety doesn’t just protect the individual, it protects the system. I once heard Joko Willink say the difference between leadership and manipulation is that leaders act for the benefit of the group, manipulators act for the betterment of themselves.
Sit with that thought for a minute and see how it moves you to act in empathy.
Too often, empathy is confused with being overly nice or endlessly accommodating. But that’s not leadership. That’s avoidance.
True empathy asks:
● What’s really going on here?
● What’s getting in this person’s way?
● How can I show care without sacrificing clarity or accountability?
When we lead this way, we don’t lower standards — we raise them. For trust, connection, and performance.
We model something bigger: it’s okay to have emotions. It’s okay to ask for help. And it’s more than okay to lead with both strength and humanity.
Final Thought
We’re in a new era of leadership — one where emotional intelligence and neuroscience aren’t side notes; they’re the main course.
If you’re new to practicing empathy, start by showing some to yourself. It’s going to feel awkward. It might even make you uncomfortable. That’s normal. Anything new does.
But when used with skill and intention, empathy becomes a game-changer — not just for your team, but for your life. It will ripple outward, improving everything it touches.
Empathy isn’t soft. It’s the skill that makes every other skill work better.
And it might just be the competitive advantage your team didn’t know it needed.
