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By Arielle Arbushites MSW, LSW, CPLC, ACHP-SW
Most of us want to leave a legacy, even in the simplest of ways. As a licensed social worker who specializes in grief and loss, a hospice worker and leader, and a woman who was widowed at 29, I find that tapping into creativity for end of life projects can be most meaningful. Being creative doesn’t have to mean being artistic. Sometimes it just means we need to think outside of the box. Or in this case, inside the box.
One of my favorite legacy projects is a “Mommy Box.” It’s not always a “Mommy Box,” of course. Sometimes it’s a “Grandpa Box” or a “Daddy Box,” or whatever makes sense in the situation. I’ve helped hospice patients make these boxes in order to leave a legacy. It is a gentle reframing in that it shifts the focus from death to positive relationships and life review, because they are leaving the box (and its contents) for someone special. Anyone can make a legacy box. You don’t have to be a hospice patient and you don’t have to be actively dying. It also doesn’t have to be about you. You can help a parent, friend, or neighbor make a box that becomes a gift for someone in their lives (or even a gift for you!).
So what is a legacy box?
I’ll give you an example. Let’s say Grandpa is nearing the end of life, but there is a 4-year-old grandson in the family who one day won’t remember Grandpa much. Grandpa might be feeling sad imagining not only how much of his grandchild’s life he will miss, but also worrying that his grandchild won’t even know who he once was. I suggest a “Grandpa Box.” Grandpa can make a box, choose a box, or send someone out to find a box. Perhaps the box is from a local store and marked with the child’s name. Perhaps it’s handcrafted because Grandpa is still good with his hands and knows some simple woodworking. Perhaps it’s a special box that Grandpa has had throughout his life to pass along.
Next, Grandpa can carefully select the items that go in the box for his grandson. Perhaps he puts in the box a watch that has been in the family for decades. Perhaps he folds up a sports jersey of his favorite team. Perhaps he places in the box a little car that was his toy when he was a child. Perhaps Grandpa drops in the box some newspaper clippings he’s saved that would be the stories he’d want to tell his grandson but won’t have the opportunity.
Another item I like to suggest is a photo or two, maybe one from the first time Grandpa ever held his grandbaby, for instance. Similarly, I find it meaningful to suggest including cards for special events or dates, such as the first day of school or a graduation. An additional touch might be to add a photo of Grandpa at those ages to facilitate an ongoing connection.
Grandpa can participate as much or as little as makes sense. He can plan the box in conversation only and send someone more able to find the items, write the cards, and choose or make the box. Still, Grandpa can be part of the process, the project manager, and most importantly: the storyteller. He can watch it come to life and know he left something behind. Life does not have to be filled with endless accomplishments to be meaningful. We can all leave stories before we go.
The recipient of the box can appreciate the legacy box over an entire lifetime. What isn’t meaningful at age 4 might be meaningful at age 12 or even age 20 or 30. A legacy box also serves as a wonderful coping tool for kids who are recipients. When thinking of Grandpa or missing him, the grandson can take out the box and go through the items, touching and seeing objects that were chosen specifically for him. The bonus is that a legacy box can also help parents support children in grief. If a child is sad, a parent or guardian can say, “Do you want to take out your Grandpa box and go through it?” The parent and child can talk together about the items and tell stories. It’s great for kids who aren’t talkers as well; it encourages them to take private time to go through the contents of the box alone and grieve in a way that feels safe for them.
A “Mommy Box” or “Mom Box” could look something like this (for a young child or even for an adult child):
- Mom’s favorite handwritten recipe
- Mom’s favorite t-shirt or sweater
- Mom’s key to the house or apartment, which the recipient can hold in their hand knowing how many times Mom’s hand touched it over time
- A piece of jewelry
- Photos of favorite moments
- A favorite book with notes in the margins (even a children’s book she read to her child)
The possibilities are endless. The key is for the creator of the box to choose items that are significant to them and attach a story to each one if they feel that is important (index cards are great for this purpose).
Grief is a human condition. We all, at one time or another, will experience loss. We cannot escape it. You may have experienced loss several times over. You may have cared for a loved one who was dying. You may have helped a child cope with the loss of someone they loved. Of course, we don’t always have time to prepare and plan; sometimes life brings the circumstances of a sudden death. Nevertheless, when we can thoughtfully leave a legacy or help others do so, what a beautiful gift it can be.
