OpsLens

The Boys in the Basilica

I am not a theologian. Yes, I’m a convert from Judaism, and converts are the worst, but my faith doesn’t qualify me to speak with any authority on Church matters. In fact, one of the best things about OpsLens is that we here write with professional, not solely personal, experience on matters of importance.

However, the Church is in the people and persuasion business. As a man with over 25 years in public relations and politics where the business is much the same, I can analyze how not to run the PR and crisis management programs of an organization, the Church included, with some degree of authority. I also did a small amount of pro bono work for one of the diocese involved in the latest priest scandal outbreak in Pennsylvania, working with them on this very subject.

For over 20 years, the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church has not even vaguely understood the first rule of PR crisis management: when you’re in a hole, stop digging. They don’t even seem to understand the second rule: change the subject. Pope Formosus would be turning over in his grave. If he had one.

So what have they done wrong, and how can they go a long way to fix it without employing the Henry II option?

A Circular Firing Squad

There are those in the laity and the Church trenches who have long advocated for a cleaning out of the Church stables. But the boys at the top have played CYA (insert priest jokes here, though, perhaps “insert” is the wrong verb to use) instead of tending to the flock. The parishes get ignored by the diocese, and the diocese get ignored by their bishops, and the whole circus gets ignored by Rome. So, when they try to formulate a decent response, nobody knows what anybody else is doing. Thus a circular firing squad.

This has gone on since the morally relative ’60s and Vatican II, when the seminaries were opened up to odd young men with modern ideas. As they advanced through the ranks, they supported and promoted their own ilk; that’s normal for any organization in this specific regard. Except that Church teaching expressly disdains this type of, shall we say, alternate lifestyle. The Church is also in the morality business, and its parishioners take a dim view of the falling price of the stock. Thus they also do not appreciate the blatant hypocrisy of Church message versus action. But the Boys in the Basilicas didn’t care much, as that downer paled in comparison to the fun of wearing dresses in public and using the seminaries as ’70s-era bathhouses.

Suggestion? Finally and globally hire real professional SOBs to go full Tailgunner Joe on the entire RC clergy. Yes, it will take a bit. But make the story about that and you go somewhat towards stopping the hole-digging (don’t go there) and changing the subject. This new internal Inquisition should be made up of the most merciless lawyers and investigators possible. Damn due process, screw the clergy involved (I’m making the jokes too easy). Make them crawl to Canossa. Pope-baiting nasty Protestants encouraged to apply. You know, the types who pistol-whip blind kittens for morning fun. Will they snare innocent priests? Yes. There will be collateral damage. Compared to the damage already done to the Church and the potential for new catamities…er…um…I meant, calamities? It’ll be like getting your hair mussed.

From a branding perspective, you just can’t have message diametrically opposed to application. Talking about good and grace and harboring evil pervs just doesn’t wash.

Actual Reform

A fish rots from the head, and while the reformist PR image of the current pope has been previously good, his results are not. Now people are just not buying the spin anymore. After the recent problems in Pennsylvania, Chile, Washington, D.C., etc., more needs to be done by the pope than the establishing of commissions and treacly statements.

But communication seems to be a consistent issue with this pope. He implies one thing and does another. He says, “How am I to judge?” about certain issues. Earth to Argie Cleric: “Your whole bloody job is about moral judgment!” If not, why should anyone listen to you, as you’re an obvious idiot when it comes to seemingly every aspect of public policy you open your holy yap on. Border control? You whinge about it but live behind a massive wall. Defense issues? Forget Augustine of Hippo, you prefer Jane of Fonda. Economics? You seem to know as much about that as the leadership of the Democratic Party knows about heterosexual fornication. Namely, zilch.

Suggestion? Stop opining on politics of any sort. Make Rome the headquarters of a brand regeneration of the Church by bringing to the Curia and hierarchy new young blood, thoroughly vetted, and untainted (last joke, promise) by the drip, drip, drip (I lied) of various scandals throughout the years. Apply the same process to official Roman Catholic groups, offices, and semenaries (only one bad pun, you’re lucky). Just do to these organizations what Henry VIII did to the Catholic Church in England and it’ll be fine. Though this time, they get to keep all the stuff made of gold.

I said at the beginning I wouldn’t talk theology because I’m not qualified. Well, I’m still not. But this guy is. It’s from a Father Nolan out of a small traditional parish in suburban Denver, Colorado that I once attended. His words aren’t for the faint of heart. Come to think of it, neither is this article.

But the only way we stop the rot is to cut out the cancer as much as we can. For God’s sake, all the half-assed measures possible have been tried and found wanting. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s time to try something else.